We all live in the grey.

Everytime that school starts up again, I'm never excited.
I've never been truely and honestly excited about my schooling.
(unless you count my childhood days or the odd time I actually am in love with a course)

I may tell people that I am, or that I enjoy what I do over-all in school; but I don't.

This entire first week back to school has been worse than normal for me.
I feel like my entire body has collapsed under stress and it's a struggle for me to keep my eyes open and not fall asleep on a daily basis.

I shouldn't feel like this.

Not in the first week of school, when my homework load is pitifully small compared to the tsunami waves I will be recieving as the semester goes on, but I do.

I feel so exhausted, and bogged down before the semester has barely even started!

I'm not sure if I'm actually just getting sick, or if my iron is dangerously low again (which is highly likely), or if my body is truely just stressing itself out so much that its decided to shut down on me already.

Tonight my mom looked at me in the kitchen after I came home from school and asked me

"Do you like what you're taking?"

... my initial response was "huh?"

Because I've never liked what I was taking in school.

(Well, actually that's a lie. I've liked a miniscule amount of courses I've taken over the years. But the majority, no, I have not been particularly fond of them.)

My mom then said to me,

"Do you like what you're taking? Because you seem to be so stressed out. Kind of like a switch went off in your head the first day back to school, and now a giant weight is being pressed down upon you. Do you like it that much that you're just that worried about it?"

My answer to her was,

"No. Mom I've never liked what I was taking in school, I take it for the sake of taking it. I take it knowing that it will give me a good ending. I don't take what I take at school because I like it."

And the answer in my head to myself was,

"No, I don't like it. But, I do like it at the same time. Honestly I just wish I could drop out of school for a bit so I could organize my thoughts better and more clearly so that I could figure out what I want."

Because you know what? I actually do have those days where I'm so completely stoked to have the opportunity to be able to go to school, and learn and expand my knowledge that it overwhelms me with an elating feeling of pure happiness.

That entire conversation is what got me thinking.

I'm not one of those people that does things just because I want to.
I usually do things because I think it will land me some place I'll be happy in.
It doesn't matter that I'm not exactly happy in this moment, with all the stress and everything, because in the end, I trust myself enough to believe that the choices I make will be better for me in the long run.

Now whether this state of thinking is correct or not, it completely sums-up how I've lived my life up to this point.

One thing that I've learned from my 19 and a half years of being alive is that nothing is black and white. Nothing is right or wrong, or good and evil. The entire world lives in the grey area. Where not one single person's opinion is completely correct because there will always be an opposition.
No one gets to choose what is right and what is wrong. There is no giant leader of the earth who chooses this for us. But we can choose for ourselves as one single, living, breathing, entity in this giant universe, how to live our own lives, by our own standards. As people who live in countries where we are free, we get to decide what opinions we agree with, what set of morals we will follow, how we will uphold ourselves, and what we will strive for in our own lives. It is not up to society, or our community, or our friends, or even our family to tell us what to believe in. It is up to ourselves.

Pretty scary thought, eh?
Being completely in-control and responsible for our own actions.
Terrifying really.

I may hate school at times, and it may make me extremely exhausted, but I'm choosing to do this. I'm choosing to put myself through this because I believe in myself. I believe that I can live in the grey area where I live confused and dazed most of the time, and I have no idea what is going for the majority the time; and still be perfectly happy while also being completely stressed. I chose this. My parents didn't force me, society may have pressured me, but it was my own hand in the end that said, yes, I will go to university and get an education. Why on earth I'm putting myself through this torture won't really reveal itself to me until the end of it, like everything else I've done in my life. I've never understood anything that I've done until I'm sitting looking back on it.

My advice to myself, or to anyone who's reading this that would like to take it, is to make a choice. Any choice! It doesn't really matter in the end, since we aren't making it out alive after our time here is done anyways. Just do something with your life that you feel is right for you, even if you're not completely positive about it! Because,

In this world;
Nothing is black, and nothing is white.

We all live in the grey.

Embrace it.
Fear it.
Love it.
Live in it.



And if you don't know what is right for you, then do whatever the heck you want! That's the beauty
of indecisiveness, you can pick whichever road your little heart desires and go down it; because no matter which one you choose, we all have to face our own roads the exact same way;

bravely, blindly, and boldly. :)