There are a few things that I learned about myself after coming home from travelling.
Which I guess relates directly to what I learnt while I was travelling.
First of all,
Gabrielle Aplin. Her songs can help me breathe and relax better than anything else I've ever come across. Well, her, John Mayor, and that one piano song by Yiruma called "The River Flows in You".
Second of all,
I love my alone time. I've always known that I've been a bit of an introvert at heart, but I've realised now that I'm an introvert down to my very core. I've learnt to be an extrovert when it comes to meeting new people and fitting in to society's funny little rules. But when it comes down to it, I crave being able to escape in to my mind and have my own quiet little story conversations. I could not open my mouth and speak for an entire day, and you know what? I would be completely content on that day.
The first day after coming home I was so happy that I could just sit in my room and be quiet for the entire day. No one questioning "Why on earth are you taking so long in the washroom?!" "are you okay?! You've been so quiet today!"
I could just sit and do nothing, and that in itself was glorious.
Third of all,
Singing calms me down. Just singing to myself instantly cheers me up and allows me to be able to sleep comfortably and quietly. No matter where I go in life, when I eventually end up with a partner he must be able to handle me singing to myself when I get scared. When I have a really bad break down I tend to whisper "You are my Sunshine" to myself until I can get myself back to full volume and my voice is solid and not shaky from my anxiety tremors.
Fourth of all,
I love my family. Oh I can't even begin to explain how much I love my family.
Seeing my parents for the first time at the airport and having my mom just break down and hold me in her arms while she covered my hair in tears hahaha. Oh how I love her. And my dad, he looked so close to breaking down as well, I'm pretty sure he was holding in those tears pretty hard. I love my parents. I love them both so very much that no words in the world could explain it. You could almost compare it to a parent loving their children, except I love my parents like that. So very unconditionally and whole-heartedly.
My brother. My brothers. Jordan, Kris, I was so excited to see both of you.
Jordan, Mom let your secret go when she told me that you had confided in her that you missed me and that it was weird not having me around. Oh how I love you. I love you and your stresses, your anxieties, your jokes, your smile, your goofy and silly ways. I love them all. And I'm so happy you're beginning to trust the world again. I love you so, so much.
Kris, I love you so much too. I can't even begin to explain how happy I am that you and Brooke are so happy together. I hope you two always stay that way. You deserve every inch of happiness. I look up to you so much. Your quiet, thoughtful ways. You were always the one with the level-head, but you can still cut a good joke out at the same time. I miss you. But I realise that's a lot of what growing up involves. It involves a lot of missing people, and I think I'm finally okay with that. You have Brooke to keep you company, and oh how I have grown to adore her. She may annoy me like hell sometimes, but she's really not all that bad. She keeps the things and people that matter the most close to her, which really is the best way to live. I've grown to love you Brooke, and I'm so happy that you and my brother married. I can't wait to one day be an aunt to one of you guys' kids!
Fifth,
I've learnt that it's okay to have ghosts. It's okay to have a past, or no past. It's okay to not be okay in a situation, and it's okay to be completely comfortable in one. It's okay to be creepy, or overly-friendly, or not friendly at all. Maybe even a little stand-offish is okay too. It's okay to make a fool of yourself, and to have a good laugh at yourself. It's okay to be unhappy with a situation. It's just a situation, it's not a life-time, it won't last.
It's okay.
It's okay to fail. It's okay to brush yourself off, stand up, and slip on a banana peel after your first step and fall flat back on to the ground again. That's okay.
It's okay to be vulnerable, to let people take care of you. To accept peoples kindnesses even when you may not necessarily need them. But you do it anyways because you know that it makes them feel good. Because you know that it would make you feel good.
I learnt that it's okay to not get along with everyone. That I don't have to be a whiz at coming up with conversations with everyone, and that people can think that I'm weird and awkward and not want to talk to me. That's okay. hahaha
I am weird! I am awkward! I can be a bit creepy at times!
Who cares!!!
It's okay.
and it's okay to be okay.
Thank you Peru, for helping me realize what I already had, and knew, deep down inside me.
