I have a goal

Yes, yes it is one of those generic goals that most teenagers (and frankly basically every other human being alive) obsess over.

It's to do with my weight.
No, I'm not over-weight, but I'm also not where I want to be. I'm a soccer player and as a soccer player my excess weight is hindering my stamina and my agility. Thus I have decided to set a goal weight. I have also set goal measurements for my chest, waist, and hips.

Why? Because I'm tired of not being as good of a soccer player as I know I can be if I just practiced more and was stronger/faster!

Also because I want to look good in a bikini this summer and not feel so self-conscious for once in my life, but I'm trying my hardest to not make that the priority of why I'm doing this.

However, I refuse to become one of those calorie counting crazed people. I've tried that before and it did not end well....

So, I'm just going to eat healthy food and drink tons of water, as everyone should. Try to exersize daily and attempt to not obsess over this too much. Which will probably be the hardest part of this for me seeing how I obsess over everyyyyy thing.

I guess I should go to bed now...or else I'll never have enough energy to get up early enough tomorrow and start this crazy scheme

Wish me luck!

It wouldn't be a lie if I said I was missing you tonight

I've decided that I don't feel like making the lists anymore :p sorry blogger! (not like anyone was dying to hear them or actually reads this or cares at all anyways haha) Maybe another day when I'm in the mood again.

It's funny.
I finally figured out what I want to do with my life (I want to be a speech pathologist) and all of a sudden every mistake I made last year in university has caught up with me. They're prohibiting me
from following a path that I can't picture me not following. Yes, I will get there eventually but just not as immediately as I want to. I'm excited about going back to school in september because I finally have a goal that I want to follow. I haven't felt anything but impending doom whenever I have a thought about school since... well since back in like grade 10. I know what I want now, every time I close my eyes and take myself back to Nicaragua I gain back my sense of sanity and direction. I honestly thought I had lost it for a while there back during my first year of university. Luckily the memory of that little girl in that picture above helps me remember what being truly happy is like. I hope I will always remember how I felt like in Nicaragua. If I can manage to keep a hold of that feeling, I think I will be okay no matter what happens to me in life.

I can't wait to get a job and start working. I want to ride my bike to work everyday and work downtown at the lighthouse restaurant. That right there is my new dream summer job. (hopefully I get it!)

All I want right now is something new, I don't want to keep going back to the old. I miss the old like crazy but... I can't keep going back there or else not even my memory of Nicaragua will be able to keep me sane.

Time to move on.

I miss you, it would be a lie if I said I didn't. But unlike before Nicarauga, I'm not willing to go back to those times. I'm stronger now.

ps. course selection sucks.

psps. guess I`m transferring to UVIC before the year is up....

Lets make a lovely little list :)

It's a lovely little list,
that really is not all that little.

A list of people I can't wait to hang out with
A list of things to do this summer
A list of who I want to be (personality wise, appearance wise, etc.)
A list (of sort) of what I hope my future will look like
A list of goals for the next year
And my bucket list :)

I`ll make a list every day for the next 6 days :)
Maybe not in that exact order as shown above depending on my mood, but I`ll try to keep it in line!






Before I leave for the day blogger I must explain to you of the fact that my lovely VIC is coming HOOOOOOME :D YAHOOOOO! After her being gone for a year in NY she`ll be back in nan :) So much excitement!

And here is a song that has nothing to do with this post haha :)

Rock and roll my little girl

 

UGH

I hate being home.
Okay... I don't actually hate it. I just feel weird here.
I feel so confined and restricted in Nanaimo.
Can't I just be back in Nica playing in the dirt already?
All I want right now is to be holding little Johanna and Edwin in my arms.



Maybe I'll feel better once I see all my best friends again...



In the mean time,

 

Rock and roll my little girl, rock and roll in your big big world <3

I'm Home :)

I feel... different.
Nicaragua did change me, but for the better I think.
I feel older. More aware of my surroundings and of how my actions will affect people.
I just feel so, weird.

I know that I'm not describing this very well at all but I'm positive that what I was looking for, I found while I was in Nicaragua.
I realised I was looking for many different things going there, and I think I found almost all of them. I won't tell you all of them because that would be too much to write out in one sitting, but maybe another day :p

One thing that I found was a group of people who are now like my second family. They all accepted me for me, they even found my annoying childish habits funny and not annoying which I always think they are :p I felt like the little sister of the bunch and I felt really cared for and looked after while I was there. I love my SOS family.

I miss Nicaragua so bad.
I feel so out of place here at home now. I feel like I don't belong here in Nanaimo anymore. I belong digging in the dirt and playing baseball in Las Escalares, playing with the kids after work every night and on our breaks during the day, singing with Tim and his guitar every night. Learning/playing new card games every day. I miss waking up every morning surrounded by my new family and looking out the window awestruck every morning by the gorgeous view.

I miss it all.

I even miss my annoying bug net that came up from under me every night while I was sleeping and the squished beetles I would find in my runners after I took my feet out of them haha. I miss the dogs/out of tune roosters waking me up every night between 1-4am and laughing everytime I heard Chris or Tim try to shush them. I miss not worrying about wearing make-up or what clothes to wear. I miss shoveling dirt all day, carrying boulders/rocks on my shoulders, going for walks up the mountain with our kid guides edwin and harrison, pick-axing to level the ground out, mixing cement that felt like it was a the biggest race ever and competing with the over flow when the water broke the barrier, putting on sunscreen in the afternoon and realising that all I'm doing is just mixing around the dirt on my arms hahaha, playing with little Johanna and Edwin every day (I love those kids so much), having a freezing cold shower every day where I would take a minute and look back on the day and realise just how completely happy and at peace I was. I've never been that happy in my entire life. I can't even explain it! I just felt to so calm, and peaceful and happy and just so... agh I wish my vocabulary was better because I just can't describe the feeling properly!
(Yes, yes that was the longest run on sentence in the history of ever. No, no I am not going to go and edit it. muhahaha)

I feel so out of place here in nanaimo. It's probably just the culture shock of coming back home but... I definitely left a little part of me back in Nicaragua the day I left. I need to go back to that community next year. I can't imagine going ovcr a year without seeing the entire community again, without seeing raphael, carlos, edwin, johanna, havier, harrison, allison, gloria, and christina ever again. I just... I can't. I need to go back. I need to go help them more. In any way that I can.

Maybe eventually I will feel normal back at home again, but I don't even want that at this point. I like who I was in Nicaragua and I'm okay with feeling out of place in Nanaimo for the rest of my life if it means I still get to keep that part of me.

Here are some pictures that the founder of SOS, Greg Overholt, took of me and my other SOS members on the very last day of being in Nicaragua:

This is the TV show picture esque shot that included our fellow workers from the community. Greg took this picture of all of us at like 6am at our work site haha

 

This is my SOS family :) Love each and every single one of you!

  

This is our jumping picture that took forever to get a decent one hahaha

This is me saying my goodbyes to Edwin, my little mono. I'm going to miss him so much :(

This is me holding on to mono's little sister johanna (pronounced yohanna) for dear life and her not letting go either. I didn't want to let her go! I love and miss her so much.

This is my SOS and house family in a combined picture :)

 This is us and some of the community kids on the work site

This is a picture of us with basically as much of the community as we could fit into with one shot haha

This has been the most amazing experience of my life.

I miss everything about it already, yes I even miss the bugs.

The most important thing that I've noticed is that I no longer feel lost in life anymore.

I feel very, very found. :)