What do you want to be when you grow up?

My head hurts

Biology is the reason.

The cure to this headache?

Switching programs would be a good start.

 But I don't know what I want to do!!!

My head is still wrapped around that insane idea of wanting to be a Pediatrician.But am I really smart enough to do that? I'm not so sure anymore. Am I willing to give up a good portion of my life dedicated to that? I don't know :( Would I love the actual job? Yah, I think I would..I think... It's mainly just the schooling...oh my god, looking at the hell I would have to go through It has me asking, is it really worth it? Am I actually capable of getting those grades?!?! Which led me to this web on a panicked google search
 

Honestly

 

 I have this secret dream (more like a fairytale)

Of moving to Dublin and busking on Grafton Street,

Travelling Europe,

Going on adventures,

Singing my life away with other musicians,

Writing stories.

Sounds so lovely doesn't it?

Yet here I am.

On a beautiful Sunday afternoon

Trying to learn the different stages of mitosis and meiosis in aggrivating detail.

Sigh...

In total, I have NO idea what I want to do with the rest of my life... maybe I'll end up teaching calculus, maybe my Dublin dream will come true, maybe I'll become a pediatrician, maybe I'll be an investigator for crime units, maybe I'll be a famous soccer player, or maybe I'll just end up being a hermit who reads books all day and stares at the ocean.

The last one sounds the most plausible at this point.

Personally I think it's too big of a question to ask someone that's not even out of their teens yet.

Time to go for another run.

And if it's quite alright, you could be my way of life :)

 

Take my hand and let go,

 I just want you to know,

 You're the only one that pulls me in,

You changed everything.

 Like one small shaft of light,

 Flooding into my eyes,

 I will never see things just the same,

But I'm not afraid.

 

Sea salt sits on your lips,

Birds fall earthward from cliffs,

 Thought I couldn't do this but I'm fine,

'Cause you're by my side.

One year ago today

One year ago today,

I didn't know what it was like to go to University.
I didn't know what it was like to truly understand the meaning of stress.
I didn't know what it was like to not have basketball or volleyball in my life.
I didn't know what it was like to not be busy with sports every single day, 24/7.
I didn't know what it was like to come 8th in provincials!!!
I didn't know what it was like to have long distance friendships.
I didn't know what it was like to fail multiple tests in the same course.
I didn't know what it was like to not get straight A's in school.
I didn't know what it was like to actually struggle in school.
I didn't know what it was like to play for a diff soccer coach other then ron.
I didn't know what it was like to graduate highschool.
I didn't know what it was like to go to prom.
I didn't know what it was like to make mistakes that still bother me to this day.
I didn't know what it was like to be souley responsible for my entire future.
I didn't know what it was like to miss so many different things so terribly all at once.
I didn't know what it was like to make & then present a valedictorian speech.
I didn't know what it was like to have to befriend new people on a daily basis.
I didn't know what it was like to experience a Coldplay & Jason Mraz concert.
I didn't know what it was like to watch my best friends move so far away from me.
I didn't know what it was like to go to the same school with my friends & never see them.
I didn't know what it was like to miss being busy 24/7.

(I'm weird. I seem to do my best when under extreme amounts of pressure and time crunches, even though it makes me extremely stressed out and results in me breaking down and crying a lot...im weird, I get it. Hence why I just texted my old bball coach and signed up to coach two welly teams (grade 8 boys vball and sr girls soccer, wooooot!) which both start in the next week or so! And I'm planning on handing out resumes once I get settled into that. Maybe now my grades will finally go back up haha, having a ton of free time doesn't seem to be doing anything positive for them, so I might as well try the complete opposite of what I'm doing now! I mean being overly busy worked for me in highschool! And honestly, I've got nothing to lose at this point my grades are so bad, so I might as well try this :p)

Don't get me wrong, I do love where I'm at right now. I love all the new experiences I'm getting to have, even though half the time I desperately want to go back to my past life. I just have to keep telling myself that going in a forward direction is a good thing.

It.is.good.for.me.

Even though a good 90% of the time I despise it with a passion. :p

 

I didn't know a lot of things back then. Which makes me wonder what I don't know right now?

It'll be interesting to find out what I don't know :)

But, what I do know is at this moment I miss highschool basketball so much and all my teammates and coaches. I miss playing house soccer with my old team and my old coach who was basically my second dad in the end after 12yrs. I miss how EASY highschool was. Oh how I wish I could go back to highschool and replay grade 12. It was such a glorious year. I wish I was going to provincials again. I wish I could re-do prom and the valedictorian speech.

But most of all, I wish I could just go back to sitting in the cove, or the photo-room, or upstairs C with my 5 bestfriends just one more time. When we would just sit and talk and laugh. We never once got in a fight between us 6, I'm not sure if I ever thanked you guys for that. It was always so peaceful and happy whenever we were together. Every thing was always just so knee-slapping, throw our heads back funny back then. 

 

Out of every thing that I miss, I miss you guys the most.

Sometimes I just need to remember to Breathe

Breathe

Do one thing at a time

Know these days of stress will pass

Focus on what I can do now and not what I should have done

Have fun and smile when doing something stressful

I won't be in Uni forever, so enjoy it

Breathe

 

 

Ah thank you past me for taking webcam pics that give present me good laughs when I really need It :) Hot damn.

 

Nicaragua

So I really REALLY want to go on this SOS trip to Nicaragua in May. I'd be going with either a group of viu or uvic students there to help build a K-7 elementary school. Which would be the most rewarding, amazing and life full-filling experience I've ever had to date. Here are the:

10 reasons why I should NOT go to Nicaragua:
1) I'd be totally alone on my own devices. Terrifying.
2) I've never been on an airplane with someone, let alone by myself! Terrifying.
3) What if there are bugs there that could kill me? Any one who knows me at all knows I have a weird irrational (I personally think it's totally rational) phobia when it comes to bugs... especially spiders. Good god what if there are giant spiders there? Terrifying.
4) I have no idea what I'm really getting myself into here. Am I really ready for something like this? That has this much responsibility tied into it? Terrifying.
5) Would I get internet there?! How am I supposed to go two weeks without talking to my parents to make sure that they don't completey freak?! Terrifying.
6) It would happen during my 19th birthday. During my brothers 23rd birthday. During MOTHERS DAY. They are not going to be happy campers when they figure that out... and by they I mean my mom and dad. Terrifying.
7) It's going to cost a lot of money to go, and I'm going to have to somehow persuade my parents to pay that cost for me. And this time I'd probably have to go to work when I got back to pay them back for once. Terrifying. (yes, I know I'm a spoiled brat...leave me alone haha)
8) What if I catch some weird sickness and bring it home and it gets transferred to my mom?! She has the weakest immune system ever and if she ever caught a foreign sickness, the likelyness of her dying is extremely high. Beyond terrifying.
9) What if I get there, and it turns out, I can't handle the emotional stress of it all and breakdown in front of everyone? Terrifying.
10) Does being completely terrified in it self count as a reason? I think it should.

The 10 reasons counter-acting each of my 10 reasons to not go:
1) I'd be completely alone to my own devices for once in my life. Isn't that a good thing? I'm going to have to face that fate at some point sooner or later, so why not now on this trip? It would be good for me.
2) I'VE NEVER BEEN ON A PLANE BEFORE! THIS WOULD BE SO MUCH FUN!
3) There is no reason to counter-act this one. Bugs have no upside. I'll just have to learn how to sleep with my eyes open for two weeks and pile on the bug spray (hopefully bugspray is allowed!)
4) I need to learn to face my fears of not being able to control everything. Somethings I will never truly be ready for no matter how much I prepare, so I might as well just jump in now!
5) They will live. I'm pretty sure it's just me who will have withdrawals from facebook...oh facebook how I will miss you.
6) I can celebrate being 19 when I get home. Who cares if it'll be a little over a week after my actual birthday? I never even usually celebrate my birthday anyways haha. My brother will live. Once again my mom and dad will also live through this... bunch of babies.
7) I need to get a summer job anyways when I get back.
8) That's not going to happen. It'll be okay. Calm down over-reacting me.
9) Well... I guess then I have a break down hahaha. I have break downs when I'm sitting at home doing nothing. At least that time I'd be having one in Nicaragua helping better peoples lives.
10) I'm completely terrified of a lot of things. And honestly I need to start learning how to get over those fears.

Now the 10 reasons why I SHOULD go:
1) It would be the most amazing experience ever
2) I've always wanted to do something like this, and now I actually have the option to!
3) I won't always have so much time on my hands to do stuff like this as I get older.
4) Carpe diem anybody?
5) I would be helping those poor children. How can I not go and lend a hand?
6) Everything just feels so right when I think about going.
7) It would be so good for me to do something like this. I know I need to start changing myself for the good. Here's the perfect way to start that.
8) I've been feeling like I needed to escape from my normal life for a while now, here's a two week one.
9) I'd be doing something that I don't think many people would expect me to do.
10) I need to just go talk to the SOS people already. I know I want to go. I need to get over my fear and just DO IT.

So yah.... that's that haha. I'm still not sure if I'm going to end up going or not. I guess we'll have to wait and see if irrational scaredy-cat me wins over rational me.

 

Wait reason #11 why I shouldn't go? I am the pickiest eater in the entire world....and I'm going to have to eat whatever they give me...one issue... I don't eat red meat and I bet that's on the diet plan.

 

Maybe I'm just not ready for somethng like this yet?