I'm free

I miss you when I'm at my worst.
When the days grow cold and dreary,
And every fibre of my bone is weary.
When I've collapsed from fatigue,
And the tears begin to proceed.
I'll keep marching on one by one
Like the nursery rhyme to my favourite song.

Savin' up my pennies

In order of Importance

1) Volunteer trips
SOS trip 2014
Greeheart travel Ecuador trip 2014 (http://www.cci-exchange.com/travelabroad/program.aspx?id=6364)

2) Just for the heck of it/visiting friends trips
New York trip 2014
Australia trip?maybs (2014?)
Europe trip (probs not till 2015 lol)

3) Objects I'm saving up for
Cello
Ukelele
Electric Guitar
Cajun Drum
grand piano
Ipod
(need to pay off my car)

4) Apearance wise
Colour hair
Re-pierce my ears
Tattoo? (still thinking through ideas)
Thrift store shoooopping

Basically I just need a way better paying job right now hahaha
Why must I have such expensive tastes

Just me complaining, what else is new?

Why is it that I always do blog posts on the night before a midterm?
I'm messed haha

And am extremely procrastinating.

Spanish midterm tomorrow.
DUH DUH DUUUUUUH

It's the easiest class in the world.
that is it would be.... IF I JUST DID THE HOMEWORK
blagh
Stupid research psychology screwing up my homework schedule.
Blasphemy; all of it.

(more like stupid me for spending all that time on the group project when the rest of the group refused to do the same. blegh. I better have gotten a good grade on that damn project since it permanently screwed me over for both my spanish and biopsych classes, and potentially physics as well)



I complain a lot..... more than I should. Le sigh

All in all, I actually have a pretty good life.
I'm getting a proper education which I've managed to somehow get completely paid for thus far through scholarships.
I've got really nice teachers.
I've got friends, who I could hang out with but I choose not to because well... I'm a hermit.
I love my job, and the people I work with the all two shifts I have per week.
I'm saving up for multiple things that I wouldn't have the privilege to do if I didn't live with my parents.
Speaking of which, I've got the best support system ever. From my family to my friends, they're all there for me whenever I need help.

I've got multiple dreams. Which can be overwhelming but you know what? I've got the privilege to CHOOSE which ones I want to follow. I get to choose what I want to do with my life, and to me I think that's pretty awesome.

The most important thing of all, I've got time.
I've got time to practice
I've got time to love
I've got time to stress
I've got time to goof off
I've got time to do whatever the heck I want to do

I've got the most hectic schedule ever, but I made it that way. No one else did. I chose this. That's what I love the most.

The fact that I get to choose who I want to be and what I want to do. At any point in time I'm allowed to say no. Stop. I'm changing this. Because this is my life, these are my choices, I can do whatever the heck I want.




The freedom of choice

T'is a beautiful thing





So now, I choose to head back and do some more spanish studying and then head to bed. Because thats what I WANT to do.
While listening to the band "The 1975" that I just found thanks to creeping one of my bestfriends with amazing music taste, cough kieran talking about you cough.

Circles

I always end up back here
In times of stress
I crave your caress

Blocking out the moon and sun,
No time has begun.
Under the covers
Hiding from the world
I'm afraid of becoming cold,

Again.

I'm afraid of circles
Circles
How do I break this cycle?
Cycle
Running on high in circles
Circles
I'm afraid of circles

Escaped the tip
Breathe through my lips
Suffocating water
I begin to stutter

Lies are woven thick and through
Lies are both me and you
Lies are wound round
We're afraid of circles

I'm afraid of circles
Circles
How do I break this cycle?
Cycle
Running on high in circles
Circles
I'm afraid of circles

I crave your caress
In times of stress
I always end up back here

State of mind

To be kind and blind,
or cold to the world.

I'll choose the first.
I'd rather be naive
than greedy with thirst.





You kept me.
Why'd you keep me?
I know nothing,
Just that you kept me.
You kept me.

"I'm a lovable mass of contradictions"

She spoke words that would melt in your hands
She spoke words of wisdom




Can I quit school and go live in Dublin so I can just walk around Grafton street and listen to all the amazing buskers everyday?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f0OoPvmti-U





Or can my schooling life just be over with? I'm so done with it.





It's like this; I want to be intelligent, I want to be considered to be smart, but at the same time I have zero want to actually do the work to get it. Which I know is contradictory and hypocritical, but that's just me.

I'm a big ol' hypocrite who wants the world laid out before her on a silver platter but will not get what she wants. No matter how much I whine and moan like a child I will never get the things I want because in the end I never do the work.




Wish me luck blogger for my Spanish test today that I am completely unprepared for. Wooo.... haha

Hasta luego!

Burnt tongues

I'm an impatient eater.

I burn my tongue on a much more regular basis then the average person should.
As a child the moment my dad would buy me my timmies (I'm Canadian, eh) hot chocolate after an it's a frost bite for my toes and finger tips kind of soccer day; I would drink it instantly.

aaaaaand  burn my tongue....






Every.Single.Time.




 

You would think I would learn my lesson after a while; but no. Fourteen years later and I'm still drinking my hot chocolate instantaneously the moment it reaches my greedy little fingers.
Le sigh.

And it's not just hot chocolate! Oh no, this includes many varieties of hot food and beverages right when they come out of the oven, mircro-wave, toaster oven, tea pot, etc.

To be short,
I am an impatient child who does not learn her lesson.
Ever.




#foreverburningmytongue
wait this isn't twitter or instagram....my bad

My life at the moment

Working ~20hrs a week (3-4 days a week)
Taking 5 courses in university (5 days a week)
(bio psych, research psych, calc, physics and spanish)
Having soccer 4 days a week
Volunteering 1 day a week
Add an endless amount of homework







When do I have fun you ask?
Never.








Time to make some changes, or else it's going to be like the living hell that was last year all over again. Except this time 1000X worse.

Exhausted sick days

Sometimes you just need to take a sick day for the sake of taking a sick day.

 And here are my anthems this sick day:

 Bon Iver <3

Tom Odell <3

Hudson Taylor <3

Mermaids in the sea, staring at the stars. Oh how lovely you are. Lo eres. Vous êtes.

Here we go,

First week of my Second year of university just finished. I'm exhausted and tired, unsure yet sure of my decisions. Trying my best to not procrastinate while also trying to make sure I get a good amount of sleep.

I did a lot of finding myself this summer, and learning how to be okay with who I am. I'm quiet and prefer to be by myself, yet I love to be with friends once I get to my destination and start talking to them. I'm a social and confident butterfly when I'm with the right people where I'm comfortable and I'm a quiet hesitant girl when I feel overshadowed or observed closesly.

My music taste suits me.

Bon Iver
Jason Mraz
Ben Howard
Alt J
John Mayer

All quiet calming music, very me. I know that, I understand that about myself. Now only if I could become more okay with being open about it. Until I find the courage to do that is when I will find my other half.

I'm still young, I'm still nieve, I'm still afraid and I'm still curious. I know barely anything. There is so much for me to learn in this world that it overwhelms me at times. Scratch that, it overwhelms me on a daily almost hourly basis.

When I meet someone who knows more then me on many subject areas, it intimadates me, but it also drives me to learn more. I met this guy down town last weekend, "add a nose, add an eye". He made me completely realise what I want in a guy.
He was handsome, outgoing, athletic, musical, intelligent, worldly; basically everything I've ever aspired to be personally and work towards being everyday, put into a boy version. One issue, even though we were together for most of the night, he liked my friend more then me. But couldn't and wouldn't openly say it because his bestfriend had basically already dibbed her and he didn't want to go in between them.

I guess what I'm saying is that it was nice to know that a guy like him actually exists in this world. That there are more people like me out there, that I'm not so alone.

His music taste was slightly off of mine

Arctic Monkeys
Wu tang
Bob Marley
And he used to listen to Jack Johnson

So we kinda have the same music taste, plus I've been meaning to listen to all of those people for a while now anyways and just haven't gotten around to it.
He was very sweet and kind. Very gentlemen like yet he wasn't a push over, he was confident, sure of himself.

Plus he watches documentaries on physics and mermaids and basically everything else on the disocovery channel.




So basically I fell in love last weekend with a guy who even I know deep down is better suited with my oldest bestfriend or my NY bestfriend. Le sigh




I think its so easy for me to differentiate him from all of the other guys I've liked, because I wasn't in love with his eyes. Thats how I know that I don't actually like him like him. I just... well I aspire to be more like him.

It's nice feeling that, feeling inspired by a stranger I only knew for one night.
So thank you for that lovely boy, thank you for waking up that part of me thats slowly been trying to wake up over the course of the summer since nica.
Thank you.

Walking the streets to your house was like a story I was not ready for yet willing to go on. Hanging out at your house and watching you play guitar and sing along to arctic monkeys while trying to speak french when you were drunk was quite lovely and you are so adorable! Thank you for walking us home and staring at the stars when I did, and thank you for not pushing or pressuring me to stay over.

Thank you, "add a nose, add an eye".

GAH

VIU WHY YOU NO HAVE BETTER COURSE OPTIONS

You're a mountain that I can't climb yet, and I'm a painting but you're blinded.

Because this song reminds me of you. It reminds me that I still have a lot of things I need to work on but that I'm also perfect the way I am, you're just too blind to see that. It helps me when I'm feeling down and it lifts my spirits.
Here's my cover of Gabrielle Aplin's song Mountains.

weh

What should be my reality:

Okay, I have to perform at open mic night tomorrow so I need to get my act together. Time to just listen to the songs I need to sing there (since I still don't even know all the words by heart yet). Oh and also you should probably practice your guitar, since you are playing at least one of the four songs by yourself. All of this is very needed at the moment since you do feel like you're going to puke from nerves and actually doing all of this might actually calm you down and oh you know... make you actually prepared for tomorrow night so you're not going to ditch out on this plan at the last minute due to nerves.

My actual reality:
Lets listen to some new random songs I just found on youtube and refresh facebook like there's no tomorrow....

Good god what the hell have I gotten myself into?
I'm going to be sick from all the nerves

I have a goal

Yes, yes it is one of those generic goals that most teenagers (and frankly basically every other human being alive) obsess over.

It's to do with my weight.
No, I'm not over-weight, but I'm also not where I want to be. I'm a soccer player and as a soccer player my excess weight is hindering my stamina and my agility. Thus I have decided to set a goal weight. I have also set goal measurements for my chest, waist, and hips.

Why? Because I'm tired of not being as good of a soccer player as I know I can be if I just practiced more and was stronger/faster!

Also because I want to look good in a bikini this summer and not feel so self-conscious for once in my life, but I'm trying my hardest to not make that the priority of why I'm doing this.

However, I refuse to become one of those calorie counting crazed people. I've tried that before and it did not end well....

So, I'm just going to eat healthy food and drink tons of water, as everyone should. Try to exersize daily and attempt to not obsess over this too much. Which will probably be the hardest part of this for me seeing how I obsess over everyyyyy thing.

I guess I should go to bed now...or else I'll never have enough energy to get up early enough tomorrow and start this crazy scheme

Wish me luck!

It wouldn't be a lie if I said I was missing you tonight

I've decided that I don't feel like making the lists anymore :p sorry blogger! (not like anyone was dying to hear them or actually reads this or cares at all anyways haha) Maybe another day when I'm in the mood again.

It's funny.
I finally figured out what I want to do with my life (I want to be a speech pathologist) and all of a sudden every mistake I made last year in university has caught up with me. They're prohibiting me
from following a path that I can't picture me not following. Yes, I will get there eventually but just not as immediately as I want to. I'm excited about going back to school in september because I finally have a goal that I want to follow. I haven't felt anything but impending doom whenever I have a thought about school since... well since back in like grade 10. I know what I want now, every time I close my eyes and take myself back to Nicaragua I gain back my sense of sanity and direction. I honestly thought I had lost it for a while there back during my first year of university. Luckily the memory of that little girl in that picture above helps me remember what being truly happy is like. I hope I will always remember how I felt like in Nicaragua. If I can manage to keep a hold of that feeling, I think I will be okay no matter what happens to me in life.

I can't wait to get a job and start working. I want to ride my bike to work everyday and work downtown at the lighthouse restaurant. That right there is my new dream summer job. (hopefully I get it!)

All I want right now is something new, I don't want to keep going back to the old. I miss the old like crazy but... I can't keep going back there or else not even my memory of Nicaragua will be able to keep me sane.

Time to move on.

I miss you, it would be a lie if I said I didn't. But unlike before Nicarauga, I'm not willing to go back to those times. I'm stronger now.

ps. course selection sucks.

psps. guess I`m transferring to UVIC before the year is up....

Lets make a lovely little list :)

It's a lovely little list,
that really is not all that little.

A list of people I can't wait to hang out with
A list of things to do this summer
A list of who I want to be (personality wise, appearance wise, etc.)
A list (of sort) of what I hope my future will look like
A list of goals for the next year
And my bucket list :)

I`ll make a list every day for the next 6 days :)
Maybe not in that exact order as shown above depending on my mood, but I`ll try to keep it in line!






Before I leave for the day blogger I must explain to you of the fact that my lovely VIC is coming HOOOOOOME :D YAHOOOOO! After her being gone for a year in NY she`ll be back in nan :) So much excitement!

And here is a song that has nothing to do with this post haha :)

Rock and roll my little girl

 

UGH

I hate being home.
Okay... I don't actually hate it. I just feel weird here.
I feel so confined and restricted in Nanaimo.
Can't I just be back in Nica playing in the dirt already?
All I want right now is to be holding little Johanna and Edwin in my arms.



Maybe I'll feel better once I see all my best friends again...



In the mean time,

 

Rock and roll my little girl, rock and roll in your big big world <3

I'm Home :)

I feel... different.
Nicaragua did change me, but for the better I think.
I feel older. More aware of my surroundings and of how my actions will affect people.
I just feel so, weird.

I know that I'm not describing this very well at all but I'm positive that what I was looking for, I found while I was in Nicaragua.
I realised I was looking for many different things going there, and I think I found almost all of them. I won't tell you all of them because that would be too much to write out in one sitting, but maybe another day :p

One thing that I found was a group of people who are now like my second family. They all accepted me for me, they even found my annoying childish habits funny and not annoying which I always think they are :p I felt like the little sister of the bunch and I felt really cared for and looked after while I was there. I love my SOS family.

I miss Nicaragua so bad.
I feel so out of place here at home now. I feel like I don't belong here in Nanaimo anymore. I belong digging in the dirt and playing baseball in Las Escalares, playing with the kids after work every night and on our breaks during the day, singing with Tim and his guitar every night. Learning/playing new card games every day. I miss waking up every morning surrounded by my new family and looking out the window awestruck every morning by the gorgeous view.

I miss it all.

I even miss my annoying bug net that came up from under me every night while I was sleeping and the squished beetles I would find in my runners after I took my feet out of them haha. I miss the dogs/out of tune roosters waking me up every night between 1-4am and laughing everytime I heard Chris or Tim try to shush them. I miss not worrying about wearing make-up or what clothes to wear. I miss shoveling dirt all day, carrying boulders/rocks on my shoulders, going for walks up the mountain with our kid guides edwin and harrison, pick-axing to level the ground out, mixing cement that felt like it was a the biggest race ever and competing with the over flow when the water broke the barrier, putting on sunscreen in the afternoon and realising that all I'm doing is just mixing around the dirt on my arms hahaha, playing with little Johanna and Edwin every day (I love those kids so much), having a freezing cold shower every day where I would take a minute and look back on the day and realise just how completely happy and at peace I was. I've never been that happy in my entire life. I can't even explain it! I just felt to so calm, and peaceful and happy and just so... agh I wish my vocabulary was better because I just can't describe the feeling properly!
(Yes, yes that was the longest run on sentence in the history of ever. No, no I am not going to go and edit it. muhahaha)

I feel so out of place here in nanaimo. It's probably just the culture shock of coming back home but... I definitely left a little part of me back in Nicaragua the day I left. I need to go back to that community next year. I can't imagine going ovcr a year without seeing the entire community again, without seeing raphael, carlos, edwin, johanna, havier, harrison, allison, gloria, and christina ever again. I just... I can't. I need to go back. I need to go help them more. In any way that I can.

Maybe eventually I will feel normal back at home again, but I don't even want that at this point. I like who I was in Nicaragua and I'm okay with feeling out of place in Nanaimo for the rest of my life if it means I still get to keep that part of me.

Here are some pictures that the founder of SOS, Greg Overholt, took of me and my other SOS members on the very last day of being in Nicaragua:

This is the TV show picture esque shot that included our fellow workers from the community. Greg took this picture of all of us at like 6am at our work site haha

 

This is my SOS family :) Love each and every single one of you!

  

This is our jumping picture that took forever to get a decent one hahaha

This is me saying my goodbyes to Edwin, my little mono. I'm going to miss him so much :(

This is me holding on to mono's little sister johanna (pronounced yohanna) for dear life and her not letting go either. I didn't want to let her go! I love and miss her so much.

This is my SOS and house family in a combined picture :)

 This is us and some of the community kids on the work site

This is a picture of us with basically as much of the community as we could fit into with one shot haha

This has been the most amazing experience of my life.

I miss everything about it already, yes I even miss the bugs.

The most important thing that I've noticed is that I no longer feel lost in life anymore.

I feel very, very found. :)

NICARAGUA FINALLY

Well, I guess it's almost about time to leave now.

I'm going to miss this little island and all the wonderful people <3
But it's only two weeks so I'm not going to get too weepy over here haha

I'm excited, but extremely nervous.
A part of me wants to just be on the plane already and another me wants a couple more hours of sitting at home with my mom, dad, bro and my puppies.

My mom sees past me waaaay more then I think she does haha. She told me tonight that she figured out one of the reasons why I'm doing this adventure, which is because I'm looking for something. Something that will help me decide about what I'm going to do with my life. Well she's right, I am looking for something.

I am searching for what I want to do with my life, I'm hoping some sort of realization about life or about anything that will help with my future will hit me on this adventure. Whether it does or doesn't, I have a strong feeling this will change me in some sort of way. Not sure how yet, but it will.

I didn't end up learning any songs on my guitar before I leave, not actually too upset about it. I'll learn them when I get back :) My plan for the summer is to actually try and give it a go at having a youtube channel. We'll see how that works out...

Once again I'm getting off track about things that are too far in the future to think about :p nicaragua trip first then think about summer.

Well... I'm going to keep downloading songs onto my ipod. Itunes got wiped so I'm last minute downloading stuff haha

Bye blogger
See yah in two weeks with tons of pictures and stories to tell :)

<3

Before I leave

What I want to do before I leave for Nicaragua Wednesday

1) Learn a couple new songs on my guitar (this'll take up a LOOOT of time...I'm a slow learner haha)
2) Read some books
3) Download a ton of new music for my ipod
4) Watch some FRIENDS episodes
5) Lay in my  bed and just stare at the ceiling in complete peace

What I'm actually doing

1) Running around making sure I have everything I need before I leave
2) packing
3) and a little more packing
4) and some re-packing
5) Avoiding hanging out with people do to the fact that now that school is over I really just want to turn off the extrovert side of me and go completely introvert for a while. I'm a true introvert at heart. I love being alone in my own space of peace and quiet just reading as many books as my soul desires.
6) Having naps while avoiding people
7) aaaannddd more PACKING! (wooo...not)
8) Getting forced to go for a weekend trip to go see my family (it actually wasn't that bad... I just really hate going to the old folks home to visit my papa. It brings back all my worst nightmares and I... I just feel really uncomfortable going there)
9) Coaching a soccer practice
10) Going to an eye doctors eyepointment.. joy
11) and back to packing.... it.never.ENDS.

Don't get me wrong, I love seeing/hanging out with my really close friends and I would like to see them...but come on people. I'll only be gone for two weeks for goodness sakes! I can see all of you guys when I get back and at least when you see me then I'll have something more to talk about other then "yah I'm so stoked! But I'm also really nervous, but omg so stoked!". Why are people who I haven't even talked to for like a year asking to see me before I leave?! This is getting ridic. (I feel like such a greedy little spoiled bitc...I mean brat... saying that but really guys? really?!)

I just wanna be like my introvert child-like self for a couple days and not talk to any one and just read my books. 
Now really is that such a crime?
No! I don't think so!




.....So why do I feel so terrible for avoiding people asking me to hangout.....

first year of uni is done, thank god...

well, doom and gloom me is gone now that school is over for the summer finally haha
but ive still got the worst headache in the world and i still feel extremely nautious. guess ill have to just wait it out a couple days for my body to come out of stress mode hahah

on another note, ive reached over seventy likes on my selfie profile picture on facebook. i can now consider myself to be a proud lg. wooooooooot woot hahaha (ps my lack of capitals, emoticons, and exclamation points can mean only one thing,  im posting this off my phone baha)

time to go shooooppinggg for nicaraguaaa, yaaaaaay that means i get to go buy those comfy shoes and cargo pants, life is wonderful. now if only this splitting headache would go away, then everything would be completely peachy

I'm currently fighting every fibre in my being to shut down and give-up on english.
Ugh, I feel like I'm going to throw up I feel so sick.
Stress has done one too many tolls on my body this past year. I'm probably going to just come home and pass out once my exam is done tomorrow. And I'll probably lay in my bed in the dark for the rest of the day.
I can't wait to be able to just shut-off.

ps. final decision for my courses next year: NO WAY IN HELL AM I TAKING ANY MORE SCIENCES. I never want to go through a year like this ever again. It's been my version of a living hell. Guess I'm just not made for the science life.

Take a deep breath, and just do it.

All those pretty lights

I love meteor showers.

According to NASA theres one tonight called the Lyrid meteor shower and its at it's peak right now. It happens every once-a-year.

I'm currently sitting on their website, http://news.cnet.com/8301-11386_3-57580856-76/nasa-to-webcast-lyrid-meteor-shower-monday-night/

Waiting to see a pretty little meteor shine across the sky.

Last summer was the first time I ever saw a shooting star. I was actually on my way home from hanging out with some random friends who I never really hung out with and I spotted it on the drive home.

I spent the rest of the night (I think I stayed up until like 3am...) laying on my deck with a pillow and a blanket just staring up at the stars.

It was a wonderful night, and I remember I did a lot of really good thinking. I have no idea what the heck I was thinking about, but I remember it was some of the best I've ever done.

I know I have a psych exam tomorrow morning, but I'm seriously considering going and laying on my deck for a couple hours after everyone else goes to bed tonight just so I can lay there and stare at the stars.

I don't know what it is about about space that's always intrigued me. I feel like at some point it catches everyones attention because it's just so big and wide and unknown. I feel so miniscule and insignifcant when I'm looking up at it; and all of a sudden, all of my probelms feel so irrelevant. 

I love that feeling.

Tie your scarf on tight, it's to be a cold night.

I want to learn how to play the cello. 

I know I'm still currently learning the guitar and the piano and I'm no where near perfect at either but... I just really want to learn how to play this gorgeous instrument. Too bad they're so expensive... When I get a job I'm going to start putting money away to buy this beautiful instrument :)

One day I'll know how to play you!

Well I would swim but the river is so wide, and I'm scared I won't make it to the other side.

Speech pathologist?

- It doesn't involve medical school. (Thank good god...)
- Yes it involves graduate school, but that's not really all that bad is it? Almost any good paying job involves graduate school now-a-days.
- It wouldn't involve too many sciences after I get out of the first year.
- I could take as many psychology courses as I wanted to.
- I would have to take languages again, but that would be okay right?
- It pays pretty well
- My job would basically involve playing/coming up with games with little kids to help them learn how to talk.
- Whichis basically what I do on a daily basis at my moms daycare anyways.
- I've always wanted to either a) work with athletes or b) with kids and this job would full-fill one of those.

Should I do it?




I think the thing I'm scared of the most about is choosing something and not loving it completely. Or realising after all my schooling is done, that I chose the wrong profession, just because I felt like I needed to settle on something practical.

Hate that word.

I guess I'm just scared of the future in general.
I've no idea what I'm doing with my life right now, let alone what I want to do with it later.




And maybe that's a good thing? I've still got a good (hopefully) 60-80 years left in me. I haven't even lived a fifth of my life yet for goodness sake! I'm still just a little baby so no wonder why I have no clue what I should be doing, or who I even really am. I learn something new about myself on a pretty regular basis.

I'm trying to take everything as a learning curve. I don't have everything figured out, and I probably never will. But I am learning, slowly but surely, I am learning.

Sigh.
I just wanna lay in bed all day and listen to music. But alas, my psych and english exams are approaching rapidly and I'm not ready for them at all... Passenger take me away.

so....many.....equations....that..... AREN'T ON THE FORMULA SHEET. BAH

I'm so happy I decided to get some sleep last night. Even if it was only like 3 and a half hours. It's better then nothing!

I don't care that this is my fourth post today.
(pardon my language but)
I'M SO READY TO RAGE QUIT ON THIS STUPID FUCKING CALCULUS FINAL AFLSDKFJSDLKFJLSDFJDSLKFJSLDKFJSDLKFJSDLKFJLDSKFJLSDKFJLSDK

but I can't.... :( and I'm about to go full out cry mode once again because I'm staring another all nighter straight in the face knowing that that is what my future is going to have to be in order for me to get an alright mark on this final thats worth 55% OF MY GRADE. Fml. Shoot me. I'm going to go bawl like a baby now.

Not to mention my attention span for the entirety of the day has been like 2mins at its longest.... WHY CAN'T I JUST FOCUS ENOUGH TO GET THIS DONE SO I CAN SLEEP!  AFLDKSJFLSDKJFLDFJLDFJLDFLDFLJLJ

Rage over.

Ben howard....is in concert.....tonight......in vancouver.......HOW DID I NOT KNOW THAT HE WAS COMING HERE?!?!?!?!?!?! I WOULD HAVE BOUGHT TICKETS IN AN INSTANT! WEEEHHHHHHHH

I mean I probably wouldn't have been able to go since I do have an exam tomorrow....but I could've figured out a way around that :( waaaahhh sad days.

Guess I'll just have to sit at home... and listen to his gloriousness through my head phones... I love you :(

ps. I know this is my 3rd blog post today, I swear it's the last one :p

Magic Beyond Words

An unauthorized biography of Joanne Rowlings life.
I never knew this movie existed until today.
I'm so happy to have found this.
J.K. Rowling,  you are one of my biggest inspirations.
Loved this movie

Soon it will all be over

Can't I just fast foward to this time a week from now?
When all my finals are done and over with.
This is bound to be the worst week of my life.
Just one more week.
Just one more.
Soon it will all be over.
Soon it will all be over.

Little Victories

I'm going to choose for the next two weeks to celebrate the little victories while studying for exams.

For example,

 I just finished writing all of my math notes that cover the entire term...it took me basically all weekend but I did it :)

So now, it's time to give myself a break and go for a nice little run on this beautiful sunny day.

Before taking on doing the bio notes for the entire course. Such a daunting task haha, but i'll finish it eventually.


One baby step at a time :)

He's just not that into you.

I'm in love with this movie. (SPOILERS ALERT...kinda)

Thanks for making re-writing out math notes more enjoyable this weekend.

While also teaching me (Is it sad that I'm actually taking dating advice from a movie? My oh my what have I become haha) that I am not the exception for every guy I meet, I'm the rule. 

But one day, I will be the exception for someone.

And now I'm going to stop typing before I get even more sappy and cheesy then I've already become. Sigh.. I really need to stop watching these types of movies haha, they're turning me into a mush. How did I go from having a vendetta against romantic comedies for my entire teenage life until a couple months ago? All of a sudden my hatred towards them has ended and now it's become a bit of an obsession for me to watch them.
 This needs to stop.





...and yet I'm currently googling romantic comedies to find more of these types of movies... someone, anyone, help me hahaha





Fun fact: I've watched this movie four times in the span of two days... 3 times yesterday and once today.... safe to say I have no life.
 

find silver in your rusted heart :)

(just a heads up, my phone wont let me use capitals while on blogger..sooo dont judge me for not capitalizing my sentences :p)

i just need to take a minute here and express my complete and undying love for the biology tutor last night. he was soooo dreamy :3 i couldnt take my eyes off him. beautiful, blonde hair, blue eyed, tall, extremely good bone structure, attractive, fourth year, gorgeous man.
his analogys for everything were sooo adorable and he was just soooo cute
anyways yah...so basically im in love

on a down note.... four and a half hours that tutor session lasted for.... four.and.a.half.hours.
longest thing ever, so freaking tiring.

but also pretty fun :) i sat with liv, am, justine, and galen which was awesome because theyre all like my fav people ever. even though we were missing a couple of my favs.
we spent the breaks taking pics/videos on carmellas laptop since she wasnt there and justine had it. galen and i played catch with a tiny and somewhat shiny paper ball (which is actually a lot more fun and entertaining then it seems, especially since we were bored out of our minds from the tutor session haha)

overall, last night was fun, even if i did spend it studying bio at an exhaustingly long tutor session.
i like my new friends ive made over this year of uni, theyre all awesome and im going to miss seeing all of them on a weekly basis :( they are all actually the only reason that im not excited for summer...dont get me wrong though, im extremeelyyyyy stoked for summer

i am so happy classes are done finallyyyyyy
two more weeks of exam hell then nicaragua and summer here i come :)

"I feel like you're an island of reality in an ocean of diarrhea"

It will all be okay.

Double double toil and trouble

I've ran into an overly large amount of harry potter references while on the internet today.
So I've decided to take it as a sign and add some HP references into my English Presentation, seems like pretty rational thinking to me.
Here's to hoping I've got some HP fans in my class and my prof isn't totally against the series..

ps. Happy birthday Fred and George :)

I'm excited :)

Just a couple important dates that are coming up within the next two months that I'm beyond STOKED about

April  24th               = Am's Birthday
April 25th                = Last day of exams/1st year of Uni officially finished!
May 1st                    = Nicaragua!
May 6th                   = My Birthday
May 10th                 = Kiffifer's 23rd Birthday (old bro man person,
                                   what even are you? haha)
May 12th                 = Mothers Day
May 15th                 = Home from Nicaragua :) /time to celebrate
                                   everyones special days finally since I'll have
                                   been away :p haha sowwy guys.
May 20th                 = Brookes birthday
May 22nd                = Vic's Home!!!! :D
May 26th                 =Vic's Birthday
May 26th-June 1st  = Mine and vic's joint birthday party! (somewhere
                                   in between there, we're not really sure yet haha)

Suuuuuuuuuuuummmmmmeeeeerrrrrrrr come sooner!

 I know I'll have to spend a lot of time working this summer and so will everyone else, but still

I can't wait for sitting by the lake/ocean/river/camp fires
Hearing the wonderful sound of all my friends voices together again

Going on random drives to where ever just because we can :)
Going on adventures (kayaking?! tofino?! camping?!)

I just can't wait to see everyone together again

I can't wait to smile and laugh with all of you

It's been too long :)

This entire album does a pretty excellent job in explaining my mood :)

Im gonna steer clear, burn up in your atmosphere

hello zombie me life
so much tired, all the time
too many tests
too many things to learn
too many things to do
so little time

guess what? i figured out today im no longer afriaid of getting vaccines, woot woooooot
down side, my arm hurts and this pain from the shot is supposed to last a couple days, woo....

ugh so much exhaustion.
i guess i should start taking my iron again...might be a smart move on my part
early bed time for meee

sing me to sleeeep john mayer

NICARAGUAAAAAAAAA :D

AAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I'M GOING TO NICARAGUA OFFICIALLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SOOOOOO MUCH EXCITEMENT OH MY GOD WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO THANK YOU MY BEAUTIFUL LOVELY PARENTS FOR FINALLY AGREEING WITH ME AND HELPING ME OUT WITH PAYING FOR THIS TRIP YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAY 

 I'M NOT GOING TO BE ABLE TO STOP SMILING FOR DAYS NOW!

TIME TO CELEBRATE WITH SOME FLORENCE AND THE MACHINES!!! 

JUST KEEP FOLLOWING THE HEART LINES ON YOUR HAND

I give up,
english you win.
You beat me.
My crazy overly picky teacher,
you win as well.
Prepared to fail this presentation tomorrow.
Also prepared to make a complete fool of myself while presenting.
Woot.
Thank god it's only worth 10% of my grade...

Is it summer yet?

RIP my loyal and reliable netbook </3
You got me through a lot of rough times this year of Uni.
Kept me company in my late nights of last minute cramming.
I'll miss how light and easy you were to carry around on campus.
You were the best distraction to homework I've ever had :'(
You will be missed.

Nicaragua, my last hope of going.

To sacrifice a $1000 bursary I won that is supposed to go towards my schooling or to spend it on Nicaragua so I can actually go this year. Parents refuse to pay the full $1800 (I honestly didn't think they would:p they don't even want me to go in the first place haha, silly worriesome parents. There is no difference in me going now or me going next year when I'm a year older, it won't be any easier on them haha). Then I think I could convince them to lend me rest of the $800 and I'll pay them back when I get my summer job when I come back.

Should I do it?
I mean I'll still have juuust enough to cover my full second year at VIU if I start buying second hand books and cutting a couple corners next year when it comes to expenses...I think I will at least... I'm planning on paying for my entire schooling by myself though so I've gotta figure out these numbers before I just go spending that $1000.

Probably shouldn't be thinking about this at all right now though when I desperately need to be focusing on NOT failing my biology test tomorrow. But I can't help it! The idea of not having to be in Nanaimo for my 19th birthday is such a heavenly thought, and instead I'd be doing something positive for a community who needs my help! I'm still terrified of the food I'm going to have to eat and the brand new bugs I'm going to have to come face to face with... but of course I'm scared! It'll be something completely different then I've ever done! It's normal to feel scared and nervous about a brand new experience that is the complete opposite of my current comfy and safe little life.

Thursday shall be number crunching day/Getting ready for English presentation day.
Hopefully I can still even sign up for the trip....

So many things to do, so many choices to make, so little time.

What do you want to be when you grow up?

My head hurts

Biology is the reason.

The cure to this headache?

Switching programs would be a good start.

 But I don't know what I want to do!!!

My head is still wrapped around that insane idea of wanting to be a Pediatrician.But am I really smart enough to do that? I'm not so sure anymore. Am I willing to give up a good portion of my life dedicated to that? I don't know :( Would I love the actual job? Yah, I think I would..I think... It's mainly just the schooling...oh my god, looking at the hell I would have to go through It has me asking, is it really worth it? Am I actually capable of getting those grades?!?! Which led me to this web on a panicked google search
 

Honestly

 

 I have this secret dream (more like a fairytale)

Of moving to Dublin and busking on Grafton Street,

Travelling Europe,

Going on adventures,

Singing my life away with other musicians,

Writing stories.

Sounds so lovely doesn't it?

Yet here I am.

On a beautiful Sunday afternoon

Trying to learn the different stages of mitosis and meiosis in aggrivating detail.

Sigh...

In total, I have NO idea what I want to do with the rest of my life... maybe I'll end up teaching calculus, maybe my Dublin dream will come true, maybe I'll become a pediatrician, maybe I'll be an investigator for crime units, maybe I'll be a famous soccer player, or maybe I'll just end up being a hermit who reads books all day and stares at the ocean.

The last one sounds the most plausible at this point.

Personally I think it's too big of a question to ask someone that's not even out of their teens yet.

Time to go for another run.

And if it's quite alright, you could be my way of life :)

 

Take my hand and let go,

 I just want you to know,

 You're the only one that pulls me in,

You changed everything.

 Like one small shaft of light,

 Flooding into my eyes,

 I will never see things just the same,

But I'm not afraid.

 

Sea salt sits on your lips,

Birds fall earthward from cliffs,

 Thought I couldn't do this but I'm fine,

'Cause you're by my side.

One year ago today

One year ago today,

I didn't know what it was like to go to University.
I didn't know what it was like to truly understand the meaning of stress.
I didn't know what it was like to not have basketball or volleyball in my life.
I didn't know what it was like to not be busy with sports every single day, 24/7.
I didn't know what it was like to come 8th in provincials!!!
I didn't know what it was like to have long distance friendships.
I didn't know what it was like to fail multiple tests in the same course.
I didn't know what it was like to not get straight A's in school.
I didn't know what it was like to actually struggle in school.
I didn't know what it was like to play for a diff soccer coach other then ron.
I didn't know what it was like to graduate highschool.
I didn't know what it was like to go to prom.
I didn't know what it was like to make mistakes that still bother me to this day.
I didn't know what it was like to be souley responsible for my entire future.
I didn't know what it was like to miss so many different things so terribly all at once.
I didn't know what it was like to make & then present a valedictorian speech.
I didn't know what it was like to have to befriend new people on a daily basis.
I didn't know what it was like to experience a Coldplay & Jason Mraz concert.
I didn't know what it was like to watch my best friends move so far away from me.
I didn't know what it was like to go to the same school with my friends & never see them.
I didn't know what it was like to miss being busy 24/7.

(I'm weird. I seem to do my best when under extreme amounts of pressure and time crunches, even though it makes me extremely stressed out and results in me breaking down and crying a lot...im weird, I get it. Hence why I just texted my old bball coach and signed up to coach two welly teams (grade 8 boys vball and sr girls soccer, wooooot!) which both start in the next week or so! And I'm planning on handing out resumes once I get settled into that. Maybe now my grades will finally go back up haha, having a ton of free time doesn't seem to be doing anything positive for them, so I might as well try the complete opposite of what I'm doing now! I mean being overly busy worked for me in highschool! And honestly, I've got nothing to lose at this point my grades are so bad, so I might as well try this :p)

Don't get me wrong, I do love where I'm at right now. I love all the new experiences I'm getting to have, even though half the time I desperately want to go back to my past life. I just have to keep telling myself that going in a forward direction is a good thing.

It.is.good.for.me.

Even though a good 90% of the time I despise it with a passion. :p

 

I didn't know a lot of things back then. Which makes me wonder what I don't know right now?

It'll be interesting to find out what I don't know :)

But, what I do know is at this moment I miss highschool basketball so much and all my teammates and coaches. I miss playing house soccer with my old team and my old coach who was basically my second dad in the end after 12yrs. I miss how EASY highschool was. Oh how I wish I could go back to highschool and replay grade 12. It was such a glorious year. I wish I was going to provincials again. I wish I could re-do prom and the valedictorian speech.

But most of all, I wish I could just go back to sitting in the cove, or the photo-room, or upstairs C with my 5 bestfriends just one more time. When we would just sit and talk and laugh. We never once got in a fight between us 6, I'm not sure if I ever thanked you guys for that. It was always so peaceful and happy whenever we were together. Every thing was always just so knee-slapping, throw our heads back funny back then. 

 

Out of every thing that I miss, I miss you guys the most.

Sometimes I just need to remember to Breathe

Breathe

Do one thing at a time

Know these days of stress will pass

Focus on what I can do now and not what I should have done

Have fun and smile when doing something stressful

I won't be in Uni forever, so enjoy it

Breathe

 

 

Ah thank you past me for taking webcam pics that give present me good laughs when I really need It :) Hot damn.

 

Nicaragua

So I really REALLY want to go on this SOS trip to Nicaragua in May. I'd be going with either a group of viu or uvic students there to help build a K-7 elementary school. Which would be the most rewarding, amazing and life full-filling experience I've ever had to date. Here are the:

10 reasons why I should NOT go to Nicaragua:
1) I'd be totally alone on my own devices. Terrifying.
2) I've never been on an airplane with someone, let alone by myself! Terrifying.
3) What if there are bugs there that could kill me? Any one who knows me at all knows I have a weird irrational (I personally think it's totally rational) phobia when it comes to bugs... especially spiders. Good god what if there are giant spiders there? Terrifying.
4) I have no idea what I'm really getting myself into here. Am I really ready for something like this? That has this much responsibility tied into it? Terrifying.
5) Would I get internet there?! How am I supposed to go two weeks without talking to my parents to make sure that they don't completey freak?! Terrifying.
6) It would happen during my 19th birthday. During my brothers 23rd birthday. During MOTHERS DAY. They are not going to be happy campers when they figure that out... and by they I mean my mom and dad. Terrifying.
7) It's going to cost a lot of money to go, and I'm going to have to somehow persuade my parents to pay that cost for me. And this time I'd probably have to go to work when I got back to pay them back for once. Terrifying. (yes, I know I'm a spoiled brat...leave me alone haha)
8) What if I catch some weird sickness and bring it home and it gets transferred to my mom?! She has the weakest immune system ever and if she ever caught a foreign sickness, the likelyness of her dying is extremely high. Beyond terrifying.
9) What if I get there, and it turns out, I can't handle the emotional stress of it all and breakdown in front of everyone? Terrifying.
10) Does being completely terrified in it self count as a reason? I think it should.

The 10 reasons counter-acting each of my 10 reasons to not go:
1) I'd be completely alone to my own devices for once in my life. Isn't that a good thing? I'm going to have to face that fate at some point sooner or later, so why not now on this trip? It would be good for me.
2) I'VE NEVER BEEN ON A PLANE BEFORE! THIS WOULD BE SO MUCH FUN!
3) There is no reason to counter-act this one. Bugs have no upside. I'll just have to learn how to sleep with my eyes open for two weeks and pile on the bug spray (hopefully bugspray is allowed!)
4) I need to learn to face my fears of not being able to control everything. Somethings I will never truly be ready for no matter how much I prepare, so I might as well just jump in now!
5) They will live. I'm pretty sure it's just me who will have withdrawals from facebook...oh facebook how I will miss you.
6) I can celebrate being 19 when I get home. Who cares if it'll be a little over a week after my actual birthday? I never even usually celebrate my birthday anyways haha. My brother will live. Once again my mom and dad will also live through this... bunch of babies.
7) I need to get a summer job anyways when I get back.
8) That's not going to happen. It'll be okay. Calm down over-reacting me.
9) Well... I guess then I have a break down hahaha. I have break downs when I'm sitting at home doing nothing. At least that time I'd be having one in Nicaragua helping better peoples lives.
10) I'm completely terrified of a lot of things. And honestly I need to start learning how to get over those fears.

Now the 10 reasons why I SHOULD go:
1) It would be the most amazing experience ever
2) I've always wanted to do something like this, and now I actually have the option to!
3) I won't always have so much time on my hands to do stuff like this as I get older.
4) Carpe diem anybody?
5) I would be helping those poor children. How can I not go and lend a hand?
6) Everything just feels so right when I think about going.
7) It would be so good for me to do something like this. I know I need to start changing myself for the good. Here's the perfect way to start that.
8) I've been feeling like I needed to escape from my normal life for a while now, here's a two week one.
9) I'd be doing something that I don't think many people would expect me to do.
10) I need to just go talk to the SOS people already. I know I want to go. I need to get over my fear and just DO IT.

So yah.... that's that haha. I'm still not sure if I'm going to end up going or not. I guess we'll have to wait and see if irrational scaredy-cat me wins over rational me.

 

Wait reason #11 why I shouldn't go? I am the pickiest eater in the entire world....and I'm going to have to eat whatever they give me...one issue... I don't eat red meat and I bet that's on the diet plan.

 

Maybe I'm just not ready for somethng like this yet?

Fire? Nope. Smoke? Yep.

(Just a heads up, so none of my friends freak out reading this, there was no fire, it was just a false alarm)

Woke up this morning to my brother telling me to wake up because there is smoke coming from my other brothers room. Me being the groggy irrational morning person I always am pointed out the fact that there was no smoke in my room (which is right above my brothers room) and that the fire alarm was not going off, so he should let me go back to bed hahahaha.

My mom eventually freaked out enough to get me out of bed so we "evacuated" the house, meaning I went to my car with the dogs and she went to the neighbours house with the daycare kids. She phoned the fire department, so I got to see a giant fire truck and fire men in person, that was fun.

They had no idea what to do since there was no fire... it was just smoke from my bro's room. Then an electrician came and told us it was just a couple faulty wires, something about the fuse burnt out and that it definitely could have never started a fire, just some smoke. Anyways yah... turns out irrational sleepy me was right not to freak, therefore I could've still slept longer.

Day 3 of being sick, and besides that exciting morning, this isn't fun anymore. I want to go for a run. I want to go play soccer. But no, I'm cooped up on this couch with my box of kleenex and laptop to keep me company all day. Sigh...

Definitely not a happy camper when I'm sick :p